*This post may contain affiliate links, at no extra cost to you, I may earn a small commission. I only recommend products that I would use or do use myself. *
Confession: sometimes, I don’t feel like a very good mom. Like on days when I find myself losing my patience or, gasp, raising my voice with my kids. Or on days when my toddler’s temper tantrum over not being allowed to eat ice cream at 10 am or my adolescent’s sassy remarks just about send me over the edge of what I feel I can handle mentally and emotionally. There simply are times when my tank is running on empty for one reason or another and I am not at my best.
Maybe you can relate?
If so, I thankfully have some good news to share that can encourage us both.
I have been reading this book called Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell and, while it’s not specifically a Christian book, there have been some really helpful insights I’ve gleaned from it. One such insight is that perfection in parenting is not only impossible, but can actually interfere with the forming of a close bond with our children.
The authors write:
“Children need to see those who raise them as simply human and simply flawed, with a willingness to reflect on their part in what goes wrong. Parents who accept their imperfections impart one of the most important lessons a child can learn.”
They go on to talk about how when “ruptures” happen (for example when we snap at our children or ignore a need they are seeking to be met), as long we follow that rupture with what they call “repair” (for example acknowledging to our child that we’ve made a mistake and that we’re sorry or recognizing the need we were ignoring and attending to it), it is actually beneficial to the child.
If you’re thinking, wait a minute—you’re telling me that messing up and losing it on my child is actually good for them?
The answer is yes, as long as that messing up is followed by our efforts to make amends and repair the relationship.
In doing so, the attachments we develop with our children end up being more secure as they discover that good things can follow bad things. It’s not only okay for our children to realize that we’re not perfect—it’s imperative that they realize we’re not perfect. Why? Because if they didn’t, they would be bound to experience extreme disappointment—again and again—in this world we live in, which is so extremely not perfect. They also would miss out on developing relational resiliency in which they recognize that mistakes are a normal part of any close relationship.
So on days when our low-running tanks make us feel bad and sad about our mama-failures, it’s encouraging to know that we can seek to repair those failures with our kids and thereby maintain a close, healthy, and secure attachment with them.
You want to know what else?
This whole concept of ruptures and repairs in our relationships with our kids also makes me think about how this cycle repeatedly occurs in our relationships with God. How many examples are there in the Bible of people who disobey or defy God and then go on to repent and be restored in their relationship with Him? Countless. And how many times have you and I sinned and fallen short of God’s glory, only then to repent and be received back into the open arms of our Heavenly Father? Also, countless.
You see, whether it’s in our relationship with kids or our relationship with God, perfection is a mirage. It’s not real. It’s not attainable.
The attribute of perfection is something that belongs only to God.
And just as we learned about how ruptures and repairs are actually beneficial in our relationships with our children, I believe the same is true as it relates to our relationships with God. Because when ruptures occur—when we sin or disobey God—we then have the opportunity to demonstrate humility (recognize and acknowledge what we did wrong), turn from the sin or disobedience (repent), and get back on the narrow road that leads to life (seek to know God more and to be made more into the likeness of Jesus).
I hope this is as encouraging to you as it is to me; I hope it takes the pressure off of any unrealistic or idealistic expectation of perfection, and allows grace to abound in all of our inevitable shortcomings as mamas and as followers of Jesus.
Whether we’re at our best or at our very worst, let’s remember that repair is what’s important.
