How can a loving God allow a baby to die? Why wouldn’t He step in and keep it from happening? Wouldn’t He want to protect me from that? And protect you from that? Where was He when my daughter and son were born prematurely and quickly passed from this life into the arms of Jesus?
I’ve been grappling with these questions for years, and if you’re reading this post, I imagine that you or someone you love may be wrestling with these same questions. Please know that you’re not alone in your questions or your pain. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I’ve managed to live through this and trust God through this. I hope and pray that you will do the same.
Where was God when my baby died?
He was right there. He was with you. He never left, He never turned His back, He never looked away. He was weeping with you. He still does. Each tear He has collected, He has recorded each one (Psalm 56:8). He knows your pain, and His heart aches for you.
If God was there, why didn’t he stop it from happening?
This may be the hardest question to answer. But I think the answer is simply that we live in a fallen, broken world. God never meant for the world to be this way. The suffering, pain, and loss that are such familiar parts of each of our lives were not God’s original intention. And I think His heart aches even more than ours do over it. One day, God will redeem and restore this broken world to what He did originally intend where “no longer will babies die when only a few days old” (Isaiah 65:20).
As I’ve grappled with the whys, I’ve also had to recognize and submit to God’s ultimate sovereignty. He is God and His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). I don’t know why God allowed this to happen, but I choose to believe that He is good and faithful. I wish I could turn back time for you and me and change what happened, but since I can’t I have to choose to believe that God is still good, even when there is no goodness in what we are facing.
Trusting God in the midst of suffering is a choice.
When pain and tragedy hit you, there really are only 2 choices of response to God: to turn your back and walk away or to press in. I chose and continue each day to choose to press in. And I could not have gotten through the pain and heartbreak if I had walked away. While choosing to trust God in spite of my circumstances hasn’t taken the pain away and hasn’t even really alleviated it, it has enabled me to find hope, comfort, and grace in the midst of my darkest days.
Simon Peter’s response to Jesus in John 6 has deeply resonated with me in the midst of facing this choice. In John 6:36 Jesus says, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” Verse 41 tells us that the Jews began to grumble after hearing Jesus say this because he had said that he was the bread that came down heaven.
In verse 42 they say, “Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How can he now say, ‘I came down from heaven’?” Jesus responds to them further, but their hearts are too hard to receive and believe what he says. Verse 66 tells us that “from this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.”
These disciples weren’t deserting Jesus because of experiencing pain and loss in their lives, but the resulting decision they faced is the same one that you and I face: belief that God is God and that God is good, or unbelief in who He is.
Jesus later asks the Twelve disciples, “You do not want to leave too, do you” (Verse 67)? Simon Peter answers Jesus and says, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God” (Verses 68-69).
The first time I read this after having lost my twins, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt the Lord asking me, “do you want to leave too?” And I responded back to the Lord saying “oh Father, where else would I go? Only you hold my life in the palm of your hands. Only you hold the lives of my sweet babies. Only you offer salvation to me, though I’ve done nothing to deserve it or earn it. Only you Father. So no Lord, I do not want to leave too. Though my world falls apart around me, I have no where else to go but straight into your arms.”
It’s okay to feel angry at God.
Choosing to trust God after pain and loss is not easy. It’s not a natural reaction to just trust God and feel all confident and peaceful in your faith after going through what you and I have gone through. It’s okay to be mad at God. It’s okay to ask him hard questions. It’s okay to not feel like trusting him anymore. The important thing is that you will yourself to trust him in spite of your feelings.
Let me just tell you plain out—you are not going to feel like trusting God. If you wait until you feel like trusting God again, you never will. Working through your anger and doubts about God and who He is after experiencing loss is, well, hard work. But it’s the most worthwhile work you can do as you try to begin to heal.
So wrestle with Him. Scream and yell. Tell him how you’re really feeling. He can take it.
God will somehow use this for His purposes.
Your pain won’t be wasted. God doesn’t waste anything. He is the God who makes beauty from ashes (Isaiah 6:1) and who makes dry bones come to life (Ezekiel 37:1-14). He is the God who redeems and restores, and, somehow, He will redeem and restore this in your life. He knows the plans He has for you and they are “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
At some point, you have to turn your “why” into “what for.”
We may not ever have the answer as to why God allowed this to happen to us. We may never know on this side of heaven why our babies were taken from us. So, I challenge you to, at some point, when you’re ready, turn your question of “why God?” into “what for God”?
God, what are the purposes you have for this painful experience in my life?
God, how are you going to redeem and restore my pain?
God, what is all of this for?
God, how do you want to use this pain and suffering I’ve been through?
When you start to ask those questions, God will begin to reveal Himself and move within your situation. When I started asking those questions, God began to put writing on my heart. He led me to start writing about my personal stories of loss, and eventually led me to write a book to provide hope and encouragement to other grieving mamas. It’s called As I Lay Weeping: Where Sorrow and Suffering Meet Faith and Hope, and I hope you will consider reading it.
God has revealed my “what for”—to provide hope and encouragement to others who have experienced loss, to enable others to know that they are not alone in their pain, and to show others that they can get through this and can trust God through this.
And I am confident that you will find your “what for” as well as you walk with the Lord through your pain.
So I encourage you, I challenge you to, in the midst of your hurt, look up to the One who holds your sweet baby and the One who holds you. You got this, mama, and God’s got you.
